I’ll tell you the reason I haven’t written about this yet.

It’s because I’m still so conflicted.

I’m so desperate to have what we had before, but I’m also so terrified that it’s the wrong choice and I’ll get hurt again. But I absolutely love being with you and seeing the difference in the way you treat me now makes me feel so good. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you loving me.

You can’t blame me for being cautious. For thinking it’s too good to be true and it won’t last.

And I’m so scared of being that overbearing, jealous girlfriend, just because as much as I want to trust you completely with other girls, I just can’t.

I’m just trying to take it day by day, letting you win my heart again, letting you regain my trust. I know you’re serious and that you mean it now, but you’re going to have to work for that trust.

I’m just trying not to think too much, hence the no writing. If I’ve learned anything from this relationship, it’s not to overanalyze. 

I’m happy though, I am. It’s just a little bittersweet for me right now, and I’m hoping that will change and this is what’s supposed to happen for us.

I’m so confused. 

I don’t know what to think. What to feel. 

I don’t remember what it is to be without you. 

I’m afraid. 

I’m afraid I’m not strong enough. 

I can’t decide if I want you to come crashing through my door or to make me move on. Granted, of course, I’d always love the former, but I just don’t know what to feel anymore. 

I’m at a crossroads. And these next few choices by both you and me will decide our fate.

“I have been following you from the very first day you started blogging. I have lived your life vicariously through your words. Now I think it is time that you here from some one who knows your pain. This boy in your life seems like he has done a tremendous wrong and hurt you greatly. I can tell there are great feelings being shared between yall since it is unbearable to be apart. I am a guy who has done very wrong to my girlfriend. I find it very comforting to find someone that can share my experience but if he is anything like me he absolutely so sorry and I can assure you he is doing everything he possibly can to bring you back to him. He seems like he is the right guy for you. He makes you so happy. I don’t want to let my girl friend go. She means everything to me. Even now. The world seems small and at times lonesome I know. It is so hard. He loves you he really does. Love is so hard to come by. I know you have an idea of what you want to do and I am definitely not trying to tell what to do. Im sure you have thought long and hard about it. My girlfriend did everything for me, now its my turn. God knows all and time heals all wounds but listen to what your heart is telling you. Just be happy. Its all you need in life.”

I wish I could see when this had been sent to me. 

I’m afraid.

That feeling of hopelessness. That it’s not going to work out. That things will just never be the same.

It changes things. It’s changing me. It’s already changed you. 

As much as I’d love to fall back into the comfort that is you, our time may have passed. I’m at that crucial moment where, if we continue down the road we’re on, i’m going to be lost to you. Maybe forever. 

You were right, being apart without that hope of us getting back together is very different than what I was feeling before. It’s not a choice anymore. It’s a matter of survival to move on. I have to forget to stay sane. 

I know what you meant now. I know exactly how you feel. 

It’s terrifying, but it’s the truth.

I hope this is what you wanted.